I know now why I can't write.
I used to shout into the void. I posted things hoping someone would read all these stories I poured out from my soul. I wish it would be cool enough to get attention. So I try to make it sounds or looks like it got some aesthetic in it.
Then one day I got someone who listens to every bullshit I say. I have been writing to him every single day that I didn't see him since April. Maybe he might not want to read it but he lost of words to stop me. If you wondering how much would that give impact to me, it's huge enough to change the voice I use to talk to myself. I talk to myself like how I write to him.
I started to being mean less to myself, just because he doesn't like it.
I try to sound more positive because I want him to have a good time reading it. He doesn't deserve depressing things in my mind, neither am I.
I don't always manage that and it's fine. He still listens.
My writing before him was based on how I see things and I thought that could be aesthetic. After him I just can't see anything as beautiful as him. All I see is him. All I write is for him. I can't write anything that is not about him or what I want to say to him. It's only him and the rest of the world.
Where has all the creativity gone?
I don't think I've ever had that. I've always scared of the word 'creativity'. Once you think about it, you're losing it. All I got was just random things in my mind put together as I like it.
I can't write (to you) because I pour everything I have to him at least 500 words a day and we haven't started about my work. I don't have anything left to tell you.
Sometimes, like tonight, I miss writing to you. So, I'm not sorry for shit posting.