Written by Jeennalin Wong.
To all of you who have created another version of me, thank you.
My existence this year was reminiscent of a romantic drama film and Taylor Swift’s songs.
It was not the best year, but it was another one in which I gained many experiences and learned a lot from failure and suffering. I was both pleased and sad, which these two emotions merged to form an epiphany for me near the end of the year. Three parts of twenty-twenty-one have shaped me into the person I am now.
At the beginning of the year, I began the process of learning new things—getting tattoos, getting my nose pierced, and dying my hair a light color. I was inspired by a cool guy who decorated his soul with tattoos. I tore down the mental barrier that used to prohibit me from doing anything for myself, and I felt like, “Here I am! This is me!” On the other hand, I was stuck with some feelings that I had for this man—a man who I could not be with. He was gleaming and devilishly attractive. He was the man who made my heart race the moment I saw his face for the first time. He was so unbelievable that I never imagined I would be able to walk with him. He made me feel like the Taylor Swift song, “Wildest Dream,” with the line,
“He’s so tall and handsome as hell
He’s so bad, but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins”.
I had mixed feelings about him; I was delighted because being with him was like a dream, but I was also jealous as he could spend so much time with so many girls. As a result, I had to endure several nights of dealing with negative emotions. However, he allowed me to have a new experience that changed my perspective on something I was previously terrified of, and that made me happy to know such a nice-wild man as him.
Time flies, and my fate is constantly a game of chance.
Two men came into my life by luck. The previous man was a man who I had known for a while, a passionate-romantic man with a brilliant literary mind—he was very precious to me. He froze me at the moment where my eyes met his eyes when we accidentally saw each other, and it sparked my passion for him from then on. Once upon a time, I never thought that in my life I would have such a sweet and romantic conversation with a man like him. Every time I talked to him, he filled me with warmth and comfort in a way that I had never felt with other men—he was the loveliest man that I had ever met. He was like my favourite dessert—dark chocolate—bitter yet sweet, which is always my favourite flavor, and always makes my heart flutter. He taught me to be patient while waiting for his response each time I talked to him, but it was clearly worth the wait. I would like to give him the song by Taylor Swift, “Enchanted,” with the line,
“My thoughts will echo your name,
until I see you again”.
Then, fate threw another man at me to test my decision-making abilities, and it was like I failed this test because I chose this man to be my lover. A man with funny jokes and an easy-going personality who made me feel as comfortable as I was at home—he was my home. It was so happy, wild, and sweet at the beginning of this love that I never imagined I would have this person by my side. I loved the way he held my hand when I sat next to him in his car, the way he hugged me from behind when I was cooking for him, the way he kissed me softly but intensely enough to melt my heart, the way I stroked his head to make him fall asleep, the way we laughed together over some little jokes and words that only we knew, and the way we said “I love you” to each other.
Nevertheless, I had realized that love was not truly enough. There were many parts of this relationship that I tried to understand and accept his flaws in order to keep the relationship going, but it was like I tried hard myself. I had no idea when I started crying more than laughing, when I started missing the good old days I had with him, or when I started counting reasons to stay and reasons to leave. At that moment, I was perplexed as to why things had turned out this way.
Everything had changed, including him. He stopped loving me and treated me with cruel words and actions like I was a stranger to him. In July, he fulfilled my heart with his love and care, and in August, he took everything in my heart that he gave to me. This love was disappearing so suddenly that I wished it was only a dream so that I could be less painful. Loving him was red like a song by Taylor Swift, “Red,” with the line,
“Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you'd never met
But loving him was red”.
I felt blue thinking about the great memories I used to have with him, blamed myself if I had ruined this relationship, and cried myself to sleep every night during the first period of heartbreak. It was hard at first. Every day that I woke up and had to face the truth that he was gone and no longer loved me broke my heart a lot. Suddenly, the saddest part came to me when I found out he had moved on with his ex-crush. My heart was squeezed by this cruel-truth causing tears to stream down my cheeks. When I was with him, I used to listen to love songs, but after he was gone, they turned out to be tragic songs that progressively wounded my heart. I felt both angry and sad at the same moment. I was fine one day and believed I would be over him soon, but the next day I was sad and cried again because I missed those memories. It seemed like I was trapped in a loop that I did not know what to call. Every time those memories crossed my mind, I felt like my heart was stabbed by the knife-of-memories. All I could do was cry, telling myself in front of the mirror, “Everything will be okay,” and praying to God silently, “Please, take this pain away from me”.
“Time heals, and everything’s gonna be fine”.
This may sound like a cliche, but it is true. It took me almost three months to cry over that man. I was not completely healed yet, but I was a lot better than I was yesterday. I have learned to let people go when they do not want to be with me anymore, to accept the fact that people always change, to improve myself from some mistakes, and to recognize that no one is perfect, so my mistakes are reasonable. The show must go on. He already has moved on with someone else, so I have to move on as well. People grow up every day, including me. All of the pains I have to get through are like many shades of colour that enhance me, letting me be many different versions of myself. Now, I love this version of myself. The version that fully understands that nothing lasts forever, and grows up from the pain in life.