I hate the idea of dating apps in general - it makes me feel like I am a product on the shelf. I feel judged and evaluated and exposed. I feel stupid trying to tweak the words to describe myself as someone cool and interesting, while at the same time make sure I am not overselling myself. I feel shallow and superficial swiping left and right on people. My friends said that's just the way things are on these apps. You don't think too much and go with the flow, at first. Of course, as long as you are safe.

But a year had passed since my last heartbreak and I felt okay to go back into the field again. I chose a few photos of myself (including one corny selfie which I am still mildly ashamed of), filled in the blanks and set up my profile. I started swiping left and right. 

Then among hoards of profiles, I found Sea Lion.

Sea Lion has this nice and kind look on him. He has a photo of himself with a kitten. It looks like he was camping somewhere. I don't know why but Sea Lion stood out. I swiped and it turned out we matched.

Then we talked for a couple of weeks, and Sea Lion suggested we hang out at his place and smoke weed there. I don't know what I was thinking, but I said ok.

Sea Lion is more talkative in person. I was very awkward and did not know how to place myself around him. His place is compact - but he has one of the nicest view of the river and the city. We sat on the edge of his bed and watched the sunset while drinking gin and tonic. I was drunk - from both weed and alcohol combined. Then I felt a cold, wet sensation on my right cheek. Sea Lion asked if he could kiss my cheek, but he has already done that. I did not know what to do but it felt nice to know someone wants me and finds me attractive. Gin and tonic tasted better from his lips.

Sea Lion gave me an Almond Joy before I left his place. It was my first time having Almond Joy. It was coconut-y and chocolate-y. It was sweet and weird. But I liked it.

I thought about not contacting Sea Lion ever again, but I couldn't let it go - whatever it is. Maybe I felt too slutty if I made it a one-time event. Maybe I saw the potential in us. Sea Lion did not seem to be interested in anything more than that, but I kept trying until he agreed on a second date.

Sea Lion has a mustache this time. He did not look like what I remember, but I was having a mind fog the entire first date because of weed and alcohol. We went to a temple, prayed, and then we stopped at bars after bars. I found it funny that we did the most religious thing, and the most unreligious things in one night. Sea Lion warmed up to me on that particular night. I was drunk and my mind was foggy, again, but I remembered he was sweet to me.

Then we met every other weekend, and then every weekend for four months. The gap between our dates reduced, so did the gap between us. I felt comfortable with Sea Lion - with or without being drunk. I liked how he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close when we were going to bed. I liked touching his fluffy hair when he was sleeping on my lap. I liked listening to his endless stories - sometimes it is the same story he had told me before, but I would gladly be listening to the same stories a thousand times more, just to keep that glare of child-like excitement on his eyes. I liked how he kissed the top of my head. I liked how he smelled. I liked resting my head on his shoulder. I liked his laughs. I liked his voice. I liked his taste in music. I liked Sea Lion so very much.

Everything was going great but then Sea Lion told me he doesn't want a relationship with me because I will need to go away for a year to study. He thinks I will leave him. Because someone did this to him before. I felt sadder than I thought I would be. It was like going through a mini heartbreak. My eyes still burn when I think about him.

I know it's not that I'm not worth holding on to. Sea Lion said I could do better than him. But I like Sea Lion a lot. I want to be with Sea Lion but he doesn't. It makes me feel sad. Even though deep down I know Sea Lion never wanted anything with me. Even though I know Sea Lion was just having fun. Even though I know, Sea Lion never likes me that much. I have every reason to stop wanting a relationship with Sea Lion. He is hot and cold. He is self-centered and the efforts are pretty much one-sided. He doesn't care enough to do anything to make me feel loved. But I have already fantasized my future with Sea Lion. I told myself he was like that because he literally said he has been trying not to get attached to me.

But why do I want someone who is always trying to distance themselves from me? Why are we so stupid when we fall for someone? Sea Lion said he felt bad for not treating me well - but why isn't he treating me better instead?

Sea Lion called after a week or so of disappearance. Things felt good again and maybe I forgot he doesn't want anything to do with me so I let myself be happy for a brief moment. But now Sea Lion is gone again. I am not surprised, but it still hurts to be used and discarded.

However, Sea Lion always comes back.

Sea Lion and I fought a lot. I became on edge almost all the time. I wanted more from Sea Lion despite knowing that Sea Lion only wants to be friends. I got emotional. I cried. Sea Lion comforted me the best he could. One time we were drinking by the river on a pier at night. The moon was almost full, but you could tell something was missing on the left side. 

Sea Lion pulled me close - and that means everything to me. I could feel his tight grip on my left shoulder. I could feel his head resting on mine. I could barely see anything because I was crying hard.

Sea Lion told me I'm awesome and that I should never forget that.

I will never forget that.

Sea Lion did the best he could. Sea Lion has been very patient and kind. Sea Lion does not love me but that is okay. I need to understand that.

Maybe the reason why I kept talking to Sea Lion after our first meet was because I did not want to feel used and discarded. But then along the way I developed feelings for Sea Lion. But in the end I guess you can't change things - or people.

Sea Lion has not talked to me for a while.

But Sea Lion always comes back.

But maybe not this time.

And that's okay.