There’s a phrase said “
If you love someone, let them go. For if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” As a child I never truly understand. If we love someone, really love someone, why do we have to let them go? Isn’t holding on is what we supposed to do? What an odd thing to say. Years and years go by as I tried to figure out the meaning of this. For a moment I thought I’d never find the answer. Until TODAY, I believe I begin to understand the meaning hidden in those words.
Call it destiny, faith or whatever, but in the end it just him and I.
What funny is destiny has already tied us together before we even knew. It has such a weird way of bringing couple together. Well, we aren’t exactly couple, not yet. God knows how much I want to be his girlfriend. He hasn’t asked me. But eventually I hope he will.
Funny isn’t it? How love has an effect on us. How love makes us vulnerable and give us strength at the same time. 10 years ago if someone come up to me and said “You’ll marry a guy from dating app.” I’d laugh at their face. Come on, dating app? really? I could do so much better than that. But it already happened. I do want to marry a guy I met on dating app.
We met 7 years ago. I was only 19. He was 25. 6 years age gap may not seems much, but if I say that I was just a senior while he already graduated many years ago, it changes everything.
Yep. We have 6 years of different. Our experience could not be compared. I knew nothing about this world. Not to mention dating experience. Barely zero. Meanwhile he has gone through a lot of extreme life. Been trough bad shit I could never imagine.
To describe him in a nutshell. He was a hot guy who dated so many hot girls, highly self maintenance, lots of ear piercing with rings on his long, narrowed, beautiful finger; which is to die for. Meanwhile I don’t even know how to dress or put make up on properly. I was basically a walking minion clown. Sure you can imagine the pressure within the relationship. “Oh my god his ex was so hot! I have to be sexier than her!” That shit happened all the times. He never knew this but I always compared myself with his exs. Especially the pretty one. Which is a lot.
Things between us were complicated at that time. We lived in a different city. I was far away from him. My mother despise him. Blah blah blah. I’m sure you can guess the ending.
Yes, we broke up. I was too young to realized the worthy of love. He was too old to be in toxic relationship. We didn’t even had a chance to say goodbye from door to door. I can’t imagine what could possibly be more heartbreaking than “Did our best but still wasn’t enough.”
If memory serves me right, I believe we were apart about a year. Somehow he came back into my life as a dearest brother, but I was a bitch to him. I didn’t recall the sorrow during the break up, all I can remember was the anger, which is a lot. So I kinda shut down myself. Didn’t let him in. Not even as a friend. These are the truth I never slipped to anyone.
I don’t remember much about what happened afterwards. Somehow a year later we managed to came back to each other as a friend. For real this time. We met occasionally, having dinner, complaining how shitty our life were. Those kind of things you speak freely when you’re comfortable with someone. Things seemed perfect between us. Just an ordinary brother and sister hanging out. We connected so deeply even I was so surprised. During then, out of nowhere, things I couldn’t believe would happened has happened twice.
I fell in love with him once again.
Obviously I didn’t asked for this. Neither did he.
It just happened out of the blue.
Hanging out with him as a friend was fun. He made me laugh consistently. Even in the most inappropriate situation. But hanging out with him when I realized I have feelings for him was completely, entirely different. He gave me such an adrenaline rush I never knew I wanted it so bad. I became addicted to him more and more. Wanting to be around him so bad. All the thrills he gave me, there’s nothing more I would asked from this world.
Being addictive was scary as hell, craving love was also terrifying, not to mention how dangerous it was. We all knew how love could consume us easily. Even blindfolded the most clearest eyes. They are the very reason of rehabilitation existence.
Coming back to him as a second time I thought we would made it. I thought this was forever. Sadly we weren’t. In the end I ended up in a rehabilitation trying to get him out of my blood system.
I still remember how painful it was when I tried to call him but he didn’t pick up the phone. I still remember myself crying alone in the room while tried to accept the fact that he wasn’t mine. Throughout the time, the thought of him leaving me was as painful as ripped out my heart with a sharpen knife. Know that I’ve cut myself before. But the pain was incomparable. And we drifted apart again.
This time I didn’t think we would come back to each other. I thought I’ve lost him forever. For so many years I moved on with my life. Made lots of mistake, date the wrong guy, crying over stupid shit or even chased the most unworthy love. Only to realized
“this isn’t the love I want.”
Then what kind of love do I want? What is the definition of love to me?
If I don’t know what love is then how am I suppose to know what I’m to be looking for?
I don’t think any of us really understand what love is. But maybe, just maybe, could love be as simple as a beating heart when you laugh at someone’s joke? Or irregular pulse caused by someone’s smile? Those tiny little moments are the very reason you wanted to be by their side for the rest of your life. Could it be that easy?
If love could be that easy, maybe the answer to all the questions was never really far away from me. Maybe everything I’ve been searching for was in front of me the whole time. All I have to do is take a look closer to his soul. The most chaotic, complicated, yet beautifully, wonderfully created mind.
Back to December last years I discovered the most unexpected truth. The truth I never anticipate. After all this time, he has feelings for me too. The moment our lips touched, it wouldn’t be exaggerate if I told you that I almost forgot how to breathe.
Who would know? We knew each other for 7 years and he only showed a glimpse of feelings once. This was the second time. Knowing that he has feelings for me made me felt like the luckiest girl. In that moment I learned unbelievable truth. It is impossible for me to erasing him from my mind, let alone the heart. I could never get over him no matter how hard I’ve tried.
Consequently, inevitably, my heart fell for him for the third time.
Maybe third time is a charm I don’t know. What I do know is I have no intention to seek love elsewhere. Even if I spend all the times of my life try to find a better love, it would be useless.
To meet up with an affectionate partner is already considered fortunate. But to encounter a partner who is also a best friend, who can inspired and show the possibility within the relationship is quite another. His love is one of a kind. He's the one I can wholeheartedly call home. And I don’t want anything from him. I just want everything with him. There’s a huge difference.
As same as me. I’m not the same person he met 7 years ago. Neither is he. We both changed a lot since then. It takes time to get to know each other again. Or at least that’s what he told me. Cause I believe otherwise.
I believe we should not waste more time and commitment as soon as possible. I don’t believe in waiting for tomorrow when we can do it today. I have spent the last 7 years loving and waiting for him. It would be torment to make me wait for another second. I do wish things is easy for us. I wish things are at better circumstances. But it’s not. There are several factors we cannot control. And we have to let it be if we want this to be our end game.
I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. When destiny is kind enough to brought us together for the third time but too cruel to let us actually be together. If the universe is trying to tell me why we shouldn’t be together, I’ll prove them wrong. I’ll put up a middle finger to the sky and say “Fuck this shit” I see what you’ve been trying to do. Give us a tough try out to keep us apart. Nice try. But it’s not going to work. Never in a million years. If being patient means the only way we can be together, so be it. I’ll wait. Even it kills me.
“The only reason I’m willing to do something I’m not is because I can’t stand the chance of losing you. Once is already painful. Twice is extremely heartbreaking.
I can’t imagine loosing you for the third time.
I don’t think I could bear the pain.”
There are a lot of things I did regret in the past. So many mistakes and damage I’ve done. But no matter what our history holds, I wouldn’t change a thing, not even the most painful memory. I’m scared that if there is anything changed in the past, our path may not cross again. There for I’d gladly do everything exactly the same. Cause every pain, every scars, they lead me back to him. Suddenly everything is worth it. He is worth it.
26 years old may too soon to think about commitment. People might say I still have a long life ahead. What’s the rush? It’s not that I didn’t think this straight. I might be impulsive but I’m not a fool. Seeing an old couple holding hands while buying groceries made me realized how much I want what they have. A hand to hold for a life time. To grow old until our hair are grey. To be each other’s not only lover, but also faithful partnership. Even in On the spur of the moment I knew, I want forever with him.
Some people may ask “Haven’t I learnt the lesson?” After all these years why him? Of course I did learned my lesson. Extremely painful one. I learned and I knew better than to let him go. Since pain only appears is the presence of love. It just proves love is real, even in their absence. As cliché as it may sounds, my heart lies with him. It always has, always will be. No matter what future may comes, if the universe gives us million reasons why we shouldn’t be together, I’ll be damn sure looking for one reason to stay. Thank you to my stubbornness ass, I won’t let anything separate us ever again.
Frankly I don’t know how our story will end. The future is something that is yet to come. All I know and what I’m certain is right now my heart is with the right person. Which I do hope, he will feel the same.
I love you.
Every imperfection, every scars, everything that you were, you are and you will be.
If given the chance, I would give anything to spend my life, however long at your side.
Love, will you please stay with me ?
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