It started when we were young.

                         Fear comes in many form, whether it is a spooky shadow, monster under the bed or the bully gangster at the school. As we grow old, all the childhood's fear become smaller and smaller. Sometimes we might even forget all about it. Sometimes we don't.

                         As a child, my worst fear was darkness. I cannot be left alone in the dark. Even as an adult I sometimes fear of it. I can't recall when or how but at some point darkness has became one of my closest friend. Every night when the light turn off, I love to staring at empty ceiling, listen to the sound out side the window. People shout out at the street, wheels spinning through the road, couples saying goodbye. By listening to the silence I feel calm, away from reality, step into the world where everything is mine. 

                         No matter what I'm afraid of, I manage to eliminate it one by one. Bury all the weapon that could be used against me. People seek the weakness of their enemy to win the fight and I have no intend to be the losing one. Only then , I can survive in this wretched world. 

Yet.... something cannot be done.

                         Of all the feelings that human is capable of. Most of them I'm in charge. Never let the heart rule the head. Whenever the heart become over power, that's when disaster says hello. Logic is the explanation of WHY you feel WHAT you feel. Without the reason we are nothing more than a lost man in the maze. Trap in our own thought. Drawn in the ocean of the feelings. Sooner or later those things will consume us from inside out. 

                         When the bridge between two people was made, when you cross the sea to be with someone on the other side, the joy is likely to be forever, the pain seems to never comes.

                       You are at the beach, with the one to love and share. The family is having a small party in the afternoon. When the evening comes that's when you have to go home. Horizontal is the clock. The sun slowly dawn, and when you turn around to say goodbye, the car already pull away. You smile, looking at your bare feet and see the footsteps along the way. They are the only evidence to prove that everything is real. Without them, the memory will be nothing more but a lie. Not for long before the wave touch the beach. Erase every mark that once were there. At the end, you reach your hand into the air, wish that you have something to hold on to. But there is nothing. There will be nothing. There were something but now it's done. The happiness is gone, all you can do is endure the pain.

                       For that wherever there is memory, there will be attachment. Always and forever. I hate to feel attach to anyone. I wish I could have no bond. The emptiness after I drift apart from those I love is the fear I cannot forgive, neither I can forget. Reality is what I see outside the window. As a reminder that my life cannot be with them. And their life has nothing to do with me.

Time has brought us together.

Time is what tear us apart.

                         "I don't feel a thing."  is a lie I tell myself. By not missing or thinking help me get through a day. I put on some smile before I leave the house. But does the smile really true? Or it just another fake one to pretend that I'm fine when my life is far away from being fine. The reflection I see in the mirror is what I despite the most. What a bad liar.

I can only think but I cannot speak.

I can only care but I cannot share.

                         What to do next when it's over ?. I can't think of anything. Seems like I'm stuck in the middle between the memory I cannot go back and the future I cannot have. No matter what, it sucks. I can only wish I could go back to that time and re-do everything all over again. No goodbye will ever be enough. No good luck will ever be satisfy. The least I can do is to not looking back to where my happiness was. Moving on with the regret. And hope.... that one day our path will cross again.