1. I had a few one night stand with people I met online, I know, I just got out of the relationship might isn't the reasonable enough excuse. But I awfully feel like shit in this alive city, I gotta find something ( or technically someone ) to do, right? So I did. Afterward, I thought it suppose to make me feel better but feel like shit again. It took me a day to analyze what is wrong with me, I found out on google, that it is scientifically normal to feel emotionally hung up with the guy you just slept with. That is one thing, I feel connected to them, I feel like they're gentle and nice. but don't get me wrong it know I don't wanna date them or anything. I just wanna be friends at least. But they just shut me off instead after the night, they said they'll keep in touch but it's just the piece of crap. Why don't they just say so, if they don't wanna talk more just speak, I'll get out of their hair. It's better than just to keep me hanging on waiting for a good human connection with them. So I learned that not everyone will be nice to you and their personality don't guarantee the assholeness. Especially in the game of one-night stand. Can't trust easily like I used to anymore after the same mistake twice. Anyway, I know the rules of the game but being an asshole player is a different story. Another thing that I learned from this adventurous ( somehow dangerous ) experience is I know more about what I really want.  

2. After the sex doesn't fulfill me the way that I wanted to, I realize I need dates or some kind of relationships to hold on to not just fake love for getting through the night. This realization is from my friend's words who I share during my emotional breakdown phonecall. Since I remembered, I constantly in the relationship, never break more than one or two months after the previous one. I'm not supermodel good looking type, maybe I'm just nice and compromise, I guess. 

But now, It is the opportunity to be with purely my true self without any burden relationship holding me back. Somehow the learning phase of my life happened in Bangkok, the most lonely city in Thailand, ha, lucky me. I forgot how to love myself after I always find people to release my love to them. Don't hate me yet, but I'm actually a romantic type of guy, who always fantasize about love. Just now sitting by myself in Starbuck and I fantasize about meeting a cute guy here and he asks for my contact. I know right, I gotta finish this desperate movie and get my shit together. I realize that I always looking for someone, it just happens automatically, maybe my crazy mind refuses to let me be alone. It's time to stop that idea of pursuing someone and just live my life. Let my life leads where it needs to be, love is gone but life still here, and they still made coffee and music. The true things I cannot live without.

Thanks for coming here, feeling better after writing and I may write more soon ( or after the next emotional breakdown. )