alone with the catnichised
Chapter 4 - you are not alone
  • Kat lived alone, and she knew no one was on her side. Only neighbours and cats had been around her but being around did not mean they were there for her. They just happened to be in the same corridor. Kat had never wanted to ask anyone for help. It did not work for her. It’s hard to think of friends or family as a concept. She did not have a memory of that. When she thought of her classmates at high school, she saw an empty room with many empty desks and a blackboard. When she thought of her family, she thought of this corridor, but it did not make sense to her. She moved here from somewhere and these people were just here before her. 

    Thinking about the past always gave her migraines. She tried to focus on the present instead. She thought of what she could perceive – hear, smell, taste, touch, and see. She paid attention to what was around her. It made her feel grounding, not swallowed by the sea of vague memories. 

    Back to getting help, she had been vomiting too often recently. She needed to get out of this room but every time she thought of going somewhere, she would forget about it and went back to her bed. Sometimes she even got palpitations. Her heart was racing as she had run for 10 kilometres. Then her mind would go black like there was a very bright spotlight shining at all her thoughts and it all became just a dream. It reminded her of the feeling of opening up her eyes in the morning and forgot about all the fun and important dreams she had had.

    The brightness felt like a police force to her. It did not make her feel safe, only made her feel insecure and needed to hide. She had not done anything wrong, except favoured darkness and wanted to eliminate all the bright lights. She stopped turning on her lamp. The fluorescent at the ceiling had been off for a long time. She got used to the darkness when the sun went down. It cured her migraines too.

    Here came the vanilla scent. It was the new moon again. Dark was back at the edge of her bed like he had been there all this time. Dark took a few steps closer to her. He put one of his paws on her tummy. She felt the coolness of the night wind breezed in through the window. Her mind was calmer than it had been since the last time she saw him. Her tummy was peaceful. The universe was right and whole.

    “Where have you been all this time?”

    Dark didn’t reply. He was just a normal cat. However, like every other cat, Kat could feel tenderness and love even if he had done nothing except give her a paw. She could make it up, but who cared? If this is the only connection she could have with a living thing, then Kat would take it. She was so desperate at her confusing life. If you would call that a life.

    Kat lived alone, but the darkness from the cat made her feel like she was hugged by a black treacle. It made her feel warm and belonged to something.


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