I don't know that do I need to do this. But I guess I'm doing it now. I'm the type of person who needs to talks about everything that has been going on in my mind, just to get it out of my head. I talk a lot.

Recently, I lost someone who I could say I'm close to, you know when you are just 24 and all of your grandparents passed away when you were young, you have a bit of memory about them or their funerals. I could say he was the first person I lost that close to me. He was my coworker. I know, big deal? It is a big deal when your working culture and environment are Thai. We are very close when working together, it may depend, but this guy, I talked to him almost every day. When I have complaints and gossips at work I want to talk about, he's the one I'm talking to.

I remember when I started doing this job, he will always guide me to things and ways to help me become better at my job. He looked out for me.

The day it happened was the farewell party we throw for him, he will move to another city. On his way home, he fell off from the escalators. People said it was a lot of stairs. It took a while to get him to the hospital. He was in a severe condition unconsciousness, they had to do a quick surgery. After the surgery, the doctor says there is a very little percentage for him to wake up. They recommended taking off his respirator.

The first week that he was in the hospital, for me it's kind of unreal, but when I went to visit him, it took me just 3 seconds to cry, seeing him breathing with the helping of the respirator. He looks so normal. It's like he asleep. The overall experience also giving me away, due to the coronavirus situation, I went to find him at the wrong building. But the receptionist there trying her best to find where his room is. I gave her his name, birthday writing in the wrong alphabets because I don't even know how he spells his real Thai name. When she said, "Oh! Found him, he is in an ICU building." that sentence gave me a bit of a shock. I prepared myself since I was about to leave home. I texted my friends telling them I'm scared of what I'm going to see, and I know I will cry. But I didn't know it would take as quick as 3 seconds foe me to cry.

Weeks after it happened, I go to work. It's so normal. Everybody at work is doing their things. I guess dead is just like that, it happens and the one who lives moved on.

My point of writing this is, most of the things a living person does are for themselves when it involves a nonliving person, and I think that is a little selfish.

Either decided to keep using the respirator or took it off, having a funeral or a memorial service. It's for themselves, the still living person. It took me until this age to realize these are all the things we did for us, a living person, not for the person who is passing away.

I hope you rest easy in peace. You are a very kind, caring, and the most genuine person I know. I will miss you.