Dear Diary: "Mother, I think I'm bisexual"

Hi. I come from a traditional Chinese family. I’m the only daughter in the family. My family belongs to the upper middle class.

And I happen to be bisexual.

I don’t know how it happened. I was never attracted to the female body and I never had any romantic feelings towards females. Well, not until my first girlfriend happened.

She came out of nowhere, like a soft breeze in the middle of a scorching summer.

Our relationship started off slow, from friends and languidly into something more. Something I was too afraid to admit. I was falling into novel and dangerous territory. 

This was also new to her. But together, we opened doors we never knew existed; we explored boundaries, physically and emotionally. Treading on thin ice, I was enjoying the thrill of it all. It was electrifying, lustful, sensuous. Until the ice splintered and ice cold water, or as we call it, reality, came crashing down on me.  

She introduced me to her parents and her sister. She posted a photo of us on instagram, telling the world we were madly in love. I loved her. Truly, wholeheartedly, genuinely. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do the same.

Coming from a really conservative and traditional Chinese family, it was difficult. My mother despised homosexuals, bisexuals, any sexuality that feels attraction towards the same sex. I know I had to choose. 

 I broke up with her because I realized that I could never introduce her to my mother. I realized that I don’t have enough courage to walk up to my mother and say “Mother, I think I’m bisexual”.

So I’m sorry, this is not a coming out message nor is it a message encouraging people to come out and accept their sexuality. It’s just a diary, a diary of a coward who cares too much about society’s perception of her, a diary of a broken soul who chose her brain instead of her heart.

P.S. Mother, if you happen to stumble upon this, I chose you. I chose you over myself.

Sincerely yours,

Daisy K.