I am very sad.
No, I feel very empty.
At day, I chase for something I cannot reach.
At night, I am haunted by it.
It is a feelings -- an opaque and obnoxious one.
I hate it.

What come up to me?
He or he?
I was not made to be understood.
I am actually in need of being understood, deeply
I'm longing for that person my entire life
who would sit there and listen to me
let me be myself

The problem is
I has never been brave enough to show anyone my true self
Being me is too naked and vulnerable
Being me is very dark and unacceptable
I always hide it inside.

I don't usually let it come out,
but there is sometimes when I'm so weak I could not stop it.
Or when blacken afternoon is shining.
It would come out and play around.
It always leaves a mess behind.

I ignore it a lot.
I'm afraid of it.
It is my old friend.

When I like someone, I'll be so scared.
I don't want to be hated.
That's when I really start to ruin things.
It can take place easily,
and fuck my life up into pieces.

I found myself so empty.
I want to hold on to something.
Something real
that I will not get bored,
that will keep me interested for a while.

I ran
before anyone can hurt me
I don't know the borderline between
try harder and let it go.

Please send me someone.
I want so badly to be fulfilled.


Thu 30 Nov 2017 01:52 AM
on my bed at the dorm
an empty night, again