It's funny but crying feels better than smiling. Smiling sucks and it's hard. You're trying so hard. To convince yourself you're happy. But you're not. It's very fake. Every time. You'd thought you got over this faking thing, but you never did. You probably won't ever.

Crying is not good. It doesn't feel good. But it's better. It's like you're saying to yourself: "Hey, I hate myself, but not that much, because I'm still crying.", and that's kinda nice, maybe. Things are never going to be nice if you're picky, so I guess just take what you can. Crying would have to do.

You thought that it was going to be enough, but it wasn't. Sometimes you couldn't even cry. You tried but the tears wouldn't come out. You just feel numb. It sucks so bad. You need something. So you start hurting yourself. Small cuts. Nothing permanent, you hope. They are shallow. They shouldn't scar. Probably. It was fine. It's not that bad. Sometimes the cuts don't even hurt. You wish the pain was more intense, but you also don't want to hate yourself more, so this would have to do.

It's enough right now. You wish it would last, but it wouldn't. You know it's going to happen. You just hope it would happen late in the timeline enough that no one gets hurt by it. It's not fair for them. You know that. (But it's not really fair for you either, is it.) You couldn't do anything about that really, and this would have to do.

Sorry.

Dude. It's not enough. They are getting deeper. Every time. They bleed more. Just. I don't know. I can't stop. I know it's bad and wrong but I need to do it. I'm very sorry. It doesn't even feel good it just feels like something I need to do.

Turns out they scar. I can see them. I can feel them. To be honest, they feel nice. I like to know that they are there. I like to be able to reach down and feel them on my finger tips. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I feel like there's something I can control. Maybe I'm just edgy. When I'm outside and panicked, touching them helps.

It doesn't hurt anymore. It doesn't feel as good. But I can't not do it. I need it. The psychiatrist asked if I want to stop. I said no. I can't lose this.