I always tell people around me that I don't have a dream. The fact is: I do. My dream might be different from other people's but it's something that I look forward to accomplishing. I want to die. I want it to happen fast, to be the least painful possible, and to come to me as quickly as it can. If I can die today, right now, I'll take it. I know some of you might be one of those "sentimental" people and you might get worried; don't, I'm not suicidal, I haven't attempted a suicide yet.

I thought people who committed suicide were selfish. But then every time I browse through a discussion thread where people want to have actual discussions and get some real information regarding suicide, there will be that one comment -- always the top one -- that says something along the line of: "If you're thinking about suicide, don't. Here are some hotline numbers: .." (And they would put some numbers down here, but let's be real, if I want a number, I can google for it.). Those comments pissed me off. So much. It's annoying. I just want some information; stop with the bullshit. If I was about to commit suicide, no fucking way in hell I would care about your comment. Who the fuck are you? Why is stopping other people from committing suicide good? Why is committing suicide bad? It's my life, I should have the right to do anything I want with it, right? Why are people taking their own lives away considered bad when people holding them back against their wills are considered good?

There was a rumor that a guy in my department committed suicide by jumping off a building. My friend told me about it. I asked: "Well, is he dead?" and my friend was like "He jumped off a building. Of course he's dead!". But it's not like that. It doesn't work like that. Life is fucking punishing and you can't run away from it that easily. It won't let you. That's why I think that it's responsible -- not that responsibility really means anything, but if you still want to be responsible, do a research first. Jumping off a high building only has 93% possibility of success. If it were higher I wouldn't be sitting here writing this now, I would've jumped a long time ago. With this 93% it's like: what if I was that 7% that survived? I'd only have to keep on living an even more miserable life. It's a big risk with big reward. (That guy survived, by the way.)

It's not that my life right now is that miserable, far from it. A shit ton of people has it a lot worse than me. I have an education; I have a good, caring family; I have some really good friends; there are people that love me; I don't have to worry about money; I'm not sick in any way. It's just that there's no point. I just don't know why I should live. Every time something a tad shitty happens I just think "Hey, at least I can die" and I'll feel so fucking bad about myself because "But what about my family? What about my friends? What about..". I know there are people that love me and they are going to be miserable if I die -- by killing myself, no less -- and maybe it wouldn't be fair for them. But really, is it not?

Isn't it just so fucking depressing that you don't even have the right to die? It's not something for you to decide, really, it's other people's. I don't even have a way to escape all this. I want it to stop, but I couldn't be the one to do it.

That is why I haven't attempted suicide. That is why death is my dream.

I have to work for it like other people do when they want to achieve their dreams.

I have to survive so that I'd be able to die.

It's depressing, but I guess it doesn't matter.