Are you all fine? I hope you are doing fine

I wanna write 

But when i started to write, there’s no word coming out

They say to look inside yourself, understand yourself first before understand others

Then I really wonder what it’s in me. what i really want in this situation.

I know that I couldn’t be in the same relationship again. I couldn’t and I won’t.

But I just don’t want to lose him.

Having him in my life won’t affect anything

But I still want that.

I think that’s all I can think about.

Sometimes we all know what to do, but that’s not what we want.

I think it’s okay to clinging on that thought for a while.

Just for a long while…

I'm down again.

because I saw things I should not see.

It's not the word see, it's I "looked" for things I should not.

every person in the world would say "Should not"

yes and I know I should not.

and it's doesn't what can't be helped.

I could help it.

I would help my mind and my soul.

Hope is a heartache.

and that's may be the solution.

to stop hoping.

Human is strange.

Hope is what brings human to the next generation, to the new revolution.

But hope does hurt you too, in many many ways.

Like in desperate love.

I really wonder what did I do in the past life. 

that I have to get through this

I have ever never wanted to be like this. I shouldn't be in this.

but I end up making myself to the despair

and I am stuck.

Yes alone.

there were a thing I consider could not tolerate.

it's wrong and no other decision.

I tried not to judge anybody.

So that, in my deepest should I would not be judged too.

But may be not.

I might be the one who judged myself the most.

I don't know how could I end up like this.

how could I decided to do those things I would have regret now?

or should I first list what I'm really regret of.

Do I regret loving him.

Or do regret giving him a chance to hurt me so?

would I do things differently if I know I would be so much in pain like this?

I'm not really sure.

People say we gonna get better by time.

I doubt that.

I don't even think I was that kind of person.

but with you I did things I would not did.

and I think that might be because of it is not a good relationship right?

well, but I could see that.

In despair

I was so much mean and non sensible.

and that's maybe the good side of it.

I still missing you though.

You deserved everygoods in the world just like anybody else.

You may've dome something wrong.

But that's okay.

ppl get wrong every single time.

I just want to write down my feelings today

because today I'm happy.

I'm able to admire myself even just for a little.

when you were in a relationship that drained your worth,

you got low self esteemed,unwillingly.

or maybe because I am low self esteemed

that's why I allowed myself to be in that relationship?

I'm building up my self esteem again.

little by little.

But I couldn't help thinking 'why me?'

And I also know that, thinking like that won't help.

I don't know

the thoughts are arguing themself in my mind.

been a while 

At this time I really think that

By the time, you will be better

because I think I am a bit better

there're times I was sad but those feelings were not last that long.

And I will get even better.

(I wrote it without 'hope' word)

Long time no visiting this book

Things came back

not the same way it was

but somehow it is unhappy

I just want to be happy

I just want to find something simple

something that gives my heart at warm touch, a place to lay down

I was somehow in the dilemma btwn having someone and living on my own

I always told myself I could live on my own

But watching or reading a happiness story do make me cry

that is so bad.