I wasn't really a 'solo' solo trip, but I boarded a 5-hour-long flight alone to a city I only heard of the name to meet a group of students, who I had no idea know who they were. It was also my first time sleeping in the same room with 6 strangers. All that happened in the second semester of my freshmen year; I was nineteen.

It all stared with a simple mass email about summer engineering course at U of T.

I read and thought 'hey, this may be a good opportunity to explore Toronto!'. Of course I did care about the actual content of the program such as lectures and things, but have got to admit those came second. So I brought this up to my dad because my mom was still in Thailand during summer months, as usual.

I only had to fly domestically and wasn't exactly going to travel by myself once I got there; that was probably the reason my parents let me. All accommodation was pre-arranged with the total cost of exactly $100 for a whole week program. I was sure dad had a skeptical look, but after I showed him the itinerary he seemed fine, plus the program was associated to the university anyways.

So yeah... I went there.. and man, that was so awkward.. everything about it.

After I got to the hostel (which I did not expect at all. I though we were getting individual rooms.) and met my potential group mates, I started to have a mental breakdown. To be honest that I was my first flight alone after we moved and I was in the final process of getting accustomed to Canadian environment. At the time, I learned enough to communicate, but with a confidence level resemble to someone who just farted 5 minutes ago. My self-conciousness was afraid people would find out and I wouldn't look 'cool' anymore. So I kept my mouth shut most of the time and speak only when absolutely necessary. 

... and as expected, in order not to act awkward toward each other, we had an ice-breaker event next morning..

We broke in to a few groups and went on a scavenger hunt around the city. There were missions we were supposed to complete and take pictures along the way. The things I remembered were:

1. How hot the city was;

2. Me being the only person who didn't know how to play ultimate Frisbee and had to sit out and watched. (I was too scared to participate then even when I was invited.. maybe out of pity lol)

Side trips and endless lectures during the week are now hazy memories, but the time I spent alone at the CN is still clear. I remember how the wind was so strong and there weren't many people at the observation deck, so just out of curiosity, I tried screaming; no surprise that no one could hear me.

I don't remember what else I did, or if I did anything else at all other than thinking I was cold and what I was doing there. That time ended up being 2 hours. Everyone else on the trip went clubbing.

The last day we were supposed to present some kind of research paper about engineering in sports and had the rest of the day to ourselves. Smart phones weren't ubiquitous then so I had to pay for an internet access to reserve my seat on the flight home.

I was relief I could go home .. to be honest, but what has been staying with me was the feeling at CN Tower. I wanted more of that. The feeling foreign, uneasy but in the end you know that everything will be ok.