[Trigger warning: Depression, Mental illness]
My late night thoughts are always so scary.
I've dealt with these kind of thoughts for so long
I've never felt I could beat it
NEVER
Not even once
This night, like the other nights I had, never feels any different
Starting from the time I went to bed
Staring at my phone for a couple of hours
Decided to sleep
Failed to sleep
Here I am
Staring at my phone's screen and typing
Wondering about everything in my life and fail to comprehend
The other day I was thinking about life
What gives life meanings ?
Why do we live after all ?
Why is it so hard for people like us to just give up and never be back ?
Life is a mystery
And I've never found any reason to believe
They say we deserve the love we think we deserve
But what if I don't think I deserve any
Will that bad ?
I'm totally fucked up
I have no job but working with my family
I'm too coward to be out there
I'm in deep shit
Yet every body forces me out
I'm scared
And I wonder would they even notice that
Maybe not
I'm diagnosed with depression
The depression I've been having since three or four years ago at least but I didn't know
It's been there since forever
And I don't think it could go away that easy
Here is a confession to make
I secretly off my meds several months ago (but since I'm talking publicly here, I think I wouldn't consider it a secret now)
I missed my appointment with my doc
Cause back then I thought I was going to be fine by my own
Starting from forgetting to take the meds
Or didn't have enough time to worry about getting any because I was at work 3/4 of my time a day
Thought it would be fine to skip some
But when depression hit, I eventually take them
But didn't think they would help since I wasn't continuous taking as I should
Now I'm off my meds again
And maybe I'll have a lot of confession to make when I see her again
Sooner or later
I think I would go back
Sometimes I'm confused whether I want to be mentally OK like any others
What if I don't wanna be saved
Just like when Ian said to Mickey in Shameless's break up scene
What if somebody can't help me
What if it's a part of me that'll never go away that easy and I don't want any body to take care of me all the time
It's a waste
You're wasting your time
With a person like me
Aren't you ?
Go away.
You're not wasting your time with me
This is me begging
I'm lost
I'm confused
I don't know shit about myself
I can't even pull my shit together
What am I doing here
And what if it wasn't me there in the beginning
Who am I
I don't think I know the answer anymore.
A part of me wants to be loved
But the other part of me says you don't deserve it
I can't make anyone happy
Not even myself
Then why would someone wanna be with a person like me
I'm an idiot
Yes,
total idiot.
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