Yesterday was the 14th anniversary, meaning I already spent half of my life here. I felt nothing. I'm sure everybody except me has forgotten how it came to be since this 'foreign fabric' has woven and become inextricable part of the whole picture now. The first 10 years was the hardest, after that, time seems to be picking up its pace. Only then I realized I'm close to 30 than I am to 20, yet I have nothing of my own.

ตอนนี้คิดถึงแต่เรื่องอนาตค and how uncertain everything is. I should be putting more effort into building a better version of myself, but I also feel like I want to live like this and not having to worry about a thing. After telling myself lies after lies, I know time won't wait and eventually I'll have to face the problem head on. My parents are getting older and I am only able to support myself at bare minimum. I tried to envision what would my and their lives be like 5 years from now and slowing sank into mild depression. They will be old and I will be in early thirty. I want them to rest and not having to worry about me. They deserve a rest. They have been working and supporting us more than anyone could asked for and long enough.

I am thinking of moving out. I have a plan in mind, but it's still vague. I guess small things add up and I just feel like I can't live like this anymore. (more of that on the next paragraph) I'm torn between thinking that I'm free and I'm a citizen of the world VS. I want to remained rooted somewhere where I feel connected. I got to taste both and I generally accept the pros and cons of each option. I used to not like travelling; after all, leaving my homeland without being mentally prepared left a hole in my heart, but I must say that I'm a stubborn type. Whenever I find myself in awkward situation, I have a tendency to push myself into doing it until I no longer feel that way. In a way, you could say that I don't want to be hurt, so I turn the pain into numbness.

And my thoughts for the anniversary? I hate the fact that we still have to share a room, just like 14 years ago. I hate the fact that I only got half of the closet and I bough so many clothes and I have nowhere to put them. I hate the fact that I have no room of my own and have to sleep in a living room. I hate the fact that I bought so many books with the intention to finish them, but time after time fail to do so and buying a new one with the same empty promise. I hate the fact that I have to share a bathroom, and I hate the idea of keeping stuffs just for a sake of saying that one day they may be handy. I hate the fact that whenever there is free stuff we just pick them up without thinking how useful it would be. I hate accumulating things that we don't use and so I've been secretly throwing them away and nobody notices anything.

I always think that everything has an expiry date. It could evolve and develop into something else and extend its shelf life, but it just cannot remain unchanged for eternity. And when it expires, let it go with grace. No use keeping expired items around you.