Friendship on the internet is so frail. To acquire one is not as hard as to maintain one. You just have to get through some awkward crashes of dialogue, when you and your internet friends are still in the stage of getting to know one another’s pace and timing, and some awkward background noises, like when your friend’s parent calls or when they forget to mute their mics when they go to the toilet, hence you hear the distant flush. After no longer than a month you will feel like they are the ones; they are your secret escape from your boring, mundane life, they are your little secrets on the other side of the screens. They are close enough, and distant enough for you to share with them your little secrets. For a while they are your happiness, and you rely your happiness fully on them, willingly free-falling into the void.
Then you realize that it was so weak, so delicate. You know full well they exist in real life, and their lives are as real as yours. But this version of them you know, this version of them they allow you to see, is actually nothing but a bunch of zeroes and ones, and a bunch of pixels, and some electric waves you can hear but of course can’t ever touch. You recognize their voices, their words, their faces, but you wonder how real those perceptions are.
In a blink of an eye, a tip of your finger and a few clicks on some buttons, you can completely erase yourself from their lives. You can just terminate the friendship. You can just end this right away.
But then you think you might want to try again. Perhaps it’s you all along who are destroying this wonderful bond. Perhaps you are the problematic one in the relationship. Perhaps you are the toxic one. You try to connect again, but you fail. You come to an assumption that you are replaceable, and that hurts you a lot.
You do not know if they want to keep you around or not, and to initiate such conversation is too much a sacrifice of your stubborn pride. Maybe you do, but you choose not to write it down, or say it, or think about it, as you prefer to let that thought stay blurred and untouchable, as weak and as untraceable as those internet friends you care too much about.
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