- this post is written in (broken) English just because -

I have a love-hate relationship with productivity.

It started when I was studying for a university entrance exam. I had exactly three and a half months for that because I had dropped out of my former faculty. That was when I discovered the study community--studytube, studyblr, real-time study with me's, the list goes on. I was amazed by how productive those people were, and I started studying very hard and timed my study hours.

It did work, though. I got into the faculty (and then major) I wanted. But my obsession with productivity hadn't stopped. I started using a bullet journal, used real-time study with me's on a daily basis, and even bought a study timer for myself just because everyone on social media had it.

Things got worse when I discovered self-help books during my second year of college. I overconsumed them and tried to fit everything the books said into my daily life. That was a horrible time; I felt like I wasn't myself because I didn't leave any 'me time' throughout that period. Timeboxing this, to-do list that--I mistook my tiredness as a positive outcome because at least I was productive.

So I stopped almost everything at once. And that made me feel a lot better. Although my perfectionist inner self protested from time to time.

I realized that it wasn't about doing something and being busy all the time. It is doing something meaningful that brings happiness and satisfaction to me.

Although I still use some of the productivity applications and methods, I'm not being strict with myself. Leisure time is not laziness nor shame. Those few years in the productivity 'realm' were a hard time. But I have learned valuable lessons from it.

And now, let me go and watch some Netflix because I deserve a rest from a 4-year emotional rollercoaster of a bachelor's degree :P