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2018 - like a fucked up facejjphnx
decision + post graduation

  • I knew the last post I said something like --I look forward more than before, I'm doing okay, I will keep growing, like everything will be okay.

    I am okay. I think.

    But there's time I sink into deep old sh*t I've thought I conquer it already. There's time I don't know where to go what to say or even how to breathe. I realise I have to go back to consult with Doctor T again. But still, I'm not student anymore. I have to pay for myself.

    That's when everything hit me.

    .

    .

    you're still fucked up jj
    yay

    you.

    .
    .

    I started looking for jobs late than others. Because in my mind I don't know where to go. From everything that happened this year, it made me terrified. I don't have that confident anymore. My self esteem broke. I'm confused about what I really want. And with everything mixed up together, I'm freakin out. 

    scale from 1-10, I give it 100
    that's how terrified I am.

    My dad and my sis keep telling me to go for it, just do it, whatever jobs you can find. I have no excuse but apply for every jobs I could. Big company small company, I apply it all without knowing what I really want. The big companies both my day and my sis work and hope for never have any responses back. But I got two "I want you" reply from the small companies. The first one I reject because it's too far and I didn't see the future there.

    but the second one
    they give me the opportunity to learn about being a producer
    the opportunity that I've thought I always want
    but then again


    I'm terrified.
    I'm confused.
    I'm messed up.


    in my head
    I fear I might end up hurting myself again if I ever work in that path
    the path I destroy myself
    the path I never feel comfortable with after they left
    the path I'm not sure I want it anymore

    while I did my thesis film, I try to restore it tho.
    What I really want with this path.
    What I am with this path.

    but I lost it
    all the faith and beliefs
    the same way I lose myself

    and while I tried to restore it, I end up hurting myself even more.

    that's why, I guess
    that's why I'm freakin terrified in every possibly ways

    and without that core in this industry and in myself
    I don't know I can continue.


    with everything I turn out to be now
    I fear I will destroy myself and everyone close around me 
    like when I did with them

    and this time I only got my family and closed friend around
    they will be the one who got hurt from what I am 

    and that kills me


    I just...
    fucked up


    and fear conquer me this time.









    I'm not going.
    I made my decision


    not only just with this job
    but with this path




    I don't know whether it's right or wrong. But for somehow I feel released. I don't want to go back there anymore. The place that I destroy everything every relationships even my own self. I won't regret it and try to move forward like I always do.


    like every day that I'm still breathing right now.



    so this is me for the past couple months.
    still fucked up and still try to live.





    remember jj
    you made your decision
    no excuses but keep going
    don't look back but learn from the past

    it's yours
    and yours alone

    you're fucked up?
    fine, it's fucked up
    but what important is what you're gonna do next

    I know you're terrified
    it's alright
    it's alright jj

    breathe
    and carefully consider things
    and live it

    that is.





    it's alright.
    you're gonna be alright.






    hope you guys out there have a nice day as well.
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january jay (@jargon)
when you've said it's alright, i believe it. So you have to believe in what you said then. Not just a word to console yourself but it is, it's alright. for real. trust me i'm your big fan reader. hope you have a nicer nice day.
jjphnx (@jjphnx)
@jargon omg I'm sorry it's been month but I just saw your comment. First of all thank you so much for liking my diary here and also thank you for a birthday wish and every of your comments. Happy new year naka, I wish you have a wonderful 2019!! Thank you.
january jay (@jargon)
@jjphnx happy new year! :)