When you walk into the classroom, what do you see? Huge blank and clean whiteboard or the messy one scattered with blue inked lecture which the old lecturer left unclean, Tables and chairs without people if you happen to arrive early or if you happen to arrive almost on time, you will see a pack of students sitting, alone or group, and of course, in the classroom, the person who makes you run all the way here on time is your lecturer who may even judge your name or performance before they can remember your face and existence. 

          On the other hand, you may see a huge whiteboard, the first thing that will catch your eyes, and then your eyes turn to focus on the microphone on the table beside the whiteboard, your head starts to wonder why many embarrassing things that could happen with that hand-sized electronic object alone. You start to not feel right, many pairs of eyes are looking at you like a stalker trying to observe their prey. An unfamiliar voice in front of the classroom is calling out each name like a list. That is when you feel like your skin is a livewire. Classroom always feels like you are walking on the stage even though you are nobody.

          Whiteboard is always the thing in front of the classroom. Bright smooth texture painted with black and blue ink. Convenient, outstanding and exposing at the same time. Everything always happen in front of the whiteboard. Presentation, writing homework, and being watched, you can see every movement and what is going on in the classroom only by standing in that position—in front of the whiteboard. As powerful as it seems, it can make you feel naked and exposed. You can see everything and everyone can also see through you too. You are fully clothed but you feel insecure the most despite wearing your best jeans. Would they see what I see in myself when I look at the mirror every morning? You think about the possibility of what they could notice and comment about you; the way you dress, the way you stutter in your presentation and the way your eyes avoiding them yet you pretend you’re looking at the whiteboard. You want to jump and scream as your heart is pounding at your ribs, thumping so loud that you afraid someone in class might hear them. But at last, you can make it all through the way to the end, using up all your energy you save all day sometimes just to earn ten out of one hundred percent point for your grade.

           Do you call people in the class that we do not really know or talk to as a classmate or not? People in class which we do not have any interaction or even know each other before. We all avoid small talk, only when it is necessary to speak such as asking if no one is sitting beside them because you want to make sure these two seats are available for you and your bag and water bottle so that you can have some space for yourself. Awkward atmosphere spreads in the air, the tension to get the work done in time and also the pretending a smile you have to return for manners as well. You avoid being in this situation and at the same time, you can not avoid this situation in the classroom because it is well-arranged. Twenty people, pairing up in two, nineteen people, pairing up in two, one left out or maybe you could group in three. Obviously being alone is not a very wise choice with tons of work to get done so you do not have any choice but to be the third wheel in this situation. Of course, it is an unpleasant feeling.

          Apart from your parents who feed and raise you, the person who graded you is another reason for your clenching teeth, sleepless night and countless white hair. It can not be helped but to push yourself to reach the standard and expectation. It can not be helped to feel like being watched from the whiteboard. Your skin tries to crawl out of your bones every time you do something wrong, not good enough or different. One letter, one digit of a number, one opinion might turn your day upside down or maybe your whole life. People do not look at the process, they look at the result and it is true.

          Above all, they are immovable objects; whiteboards, people in class and lecturer. They stay in class, play their own roles and do what they get paid to do, including you too.

Written by 

 Peerada P.

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