I've dealt with these kind of thoughts for so long 

I've never felt I could beat it

NEVER

Not even once

This night, like the other nights I had, never feels any different

Starting from the time I went to bed

Staring at my phone for a couple of hours

Decided to sleep

Failed to sleep 

Here I am

Staring at my phone's screen and typing 

Wondering about everything in my life and fail to comprehend

The other day I was thinking about life

What gives life meanings ?

Why do we live after all ?

Why is it so hard for people like us to just give up and never be back ?

Life is a mystery 

And I've never found any reason to believe

They say we deserve the love we think we deserve 

But what if I don't think I deserve any

Will that bad ?

I'm totally fucked up

I have no job but working with my family 

I'm too coward to be out there

I'm in deep shit 

Yet every body forces me out

I'm scared 

And I wonder would they even notice that

Maybe not

I'm diagnosed with depression 

The depression I've been having since three or four years ago at least but I didn't know

It's been there since forever

And I don't think it could go away that easy

Here is a confession to make

I secretly off my meds several months ago (but since I'm talking publicly here, I think I wouldn't consider it a secret now)

I missed my appointment with my doc

Cause back then I thought I was going to be fine by my own

Starting from forgetting to take the meds

Or didn't have enough time to worry about getting any because I was at work 3/4 of my time a day

Thought it would be fine to skip some 

But when depression hit, I eventually take them

But didn't think they would help since I wasn't continuous taking as I should 

Now I'm off my meds again

And maybe I'll have a lot of confession to make when I see her again

Sooner or later 

I think I would go back

Sometimes I'm confused whether I want to be mentally OK like any others 

What if I don't wanna be saved 

Just like when Ian said to Mickey in Shameless's break up scene

What if somebody can't help me

What if it's a part of me that'll never go away that easy and I don't want any body to take care of me all the time

It's a waste 

You're wasting your time 

With a person like me

Aren't you ?

Go away.

You're not wasting your time with me

This is me begging

I'm lost

I'm confused

I don't know shit about myself

I can't even pull my shit together

What am I doing here

And what if it wasn't me there in the beginning

Who am I 

I don't think I know the answer anymore.

A part of me wants to be loved

But the other part of me says you don't deserve it

I can't make anyone happy

Not even myself

Then why would someone wanna be with a person like me

I'm an idiot

Yes,